Am I Insane?

There are some days when I think to myself:

“Life wouldn’t be so bad without kids.  I have a really awesome marriage.  I’m madly in love with my husband; he is my best friend.  Finances are fine and will only get better especially as my career grows stronger and more advanced.  We have plenty of time in the world for our puppy and our interests.  We can go out to dinner, or a movie, or a festival, or on vacation whenever we want.  I can sleep in if I want to or be lazy all day.  Life is good.”

Then, there are some days when I think to myself:

“I really want to have a family.”  That thought is sometimes enough to push me close to tears at the thought of not having a baby with my husband and starting our own family.

What is wrong with me?  Why can’t I just commit to one or the other?  It’s like my hormones are all out of whack and I can’t figure out what I want.  I feel like such a total nutcase.  There are days I tell my husband that I really want a baby and I can’t wait to start our family and I think/talk about it like it could happen sooner rather than later.  I think/talk like I would want to be pregnant by Christmas.  Then, there are other days (like last night) when I think/talk about it like I’m indifferent to the whole thing. 

So, what’s the deal?  Is my biological clock malfunctioning?  Like it’s tick tocking but it gets hung up and misses a few ticks?  Am I just really that indecisive?  I am usually great at making decisions!  Am I just afraid of being “Mommy”?  I guess that could be a big part of it.  I’m always stressing on myself and tallying up my mistakes.  I always feel like I could be a better employee, better friend, better daughter/sister, better Christian, better wife, better pet-owner.  The other night I created an Excel spreadsheet that I thought would make things easier to keep track of for my husband and I then, after seeing how beneficial it was going to be to us, I nearly broke down in tears for not thinking of it earlier.  I felt like a horrible wife.  I am scared I would be a bad mom.  Wow.  Just admitting that almost makes me want to  cry.  It must be official.  I must be crazy.


11 thoughts on “Am I Insane?

  1. There is no way to tell when you are ready to be a Mom…you just know! But, it sounds like you are hard on yourself and need to give yourself a break!

    There is no such thing as a perfect mom…perish the thought! I think that if you decide to bring a child into this world, it will be a very lucky kid!

    This was a great post. Thanks for sharing!

    • Thanks. I think that sometimes I worry myself sick over it and I think back about my childhood both good/bad and then I think that maybe it would be best if I didn’t have kids. Then I convince myself that’s the right thing to do and that it would be ok. I do that because I worry and don’t want to fail. Then I read articles about some REALLY horrible parents and I think, “Ok…now I KNOW I would be better than that!”

      I am hard on myself. My manager and husband both tell me that all the time.

  2. I don’t think you can ever “think it through” and know for sure. Three kids in, and most days I can lay awake at night completely convinced I have permanently messed up my children. I think worry like that is just part of being woman in general 🙂 …we will worry about everything, and worrying about your children will happen! In a lot of ways “worry” and “love” go hand in hand..and may just be a sign that you will be a fantastic mom someday! Great the honesty!

    • Thanks! I think I’ve pretty much decided on having one. I’ll start with one. We’ll see what happens after that but I think I’d be content. I’d like another year to be selfish first though. 🙂

      • having another year to yourself is not a bad thing:) once they are born they are little leeches – cute little leeches. little leeches that look like you and your husband!

      • Yikes!! Well, in this day and age I could be a grand? – sorry, cannot think of me in that context – yet. One is 18, will be going away to college in the fall and the other is 15 1/12. Neither one really cares for the dating scene. Too involved in their sports and friends. I do have a pooch. She is my little girl, who is really a big girl.

      • Yikes!! is right! I call at least 10 years before anyone makes you a grand. We have a pooch too. 7.9lb little pooch. I like it when they stay tiny. 🙂

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