There are some days when I think to myself:
“Life wouldn’t be so bad without kids. I have a really awesome marriage. I’m madly in love with my husband; he is my best friend. Finances are fine and will only get better especially as my career grows stronger and more advanced. We have plenty of time in the world for our puppy and our interests. We can go out to dinner, or a movie, or a festival, or on vacation whenever we want. I can sleep in if I want to or be lazy all day. Life is good.”
Then, there are some days when I think to myself:
“I really want to have a family.” That thought is sometimes enough to push me close to tears at the thought of not having a baby with my husband and starting our own family.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just commit to one or the other? It’s like my hormones are all out of whack and I can’t figure out what I want. I feel like such a total nutcase. There are days I tell my husband that I really want a baby and I can’t wait to start our family and I think/talk about it like it could happen sooner rather than later. I think/talk like I would want to be pregnant by Christmas. Then, there are other days (like last night) when I think/talk about it like I’m indifferent to the whole thing.
So, what’s the deal? Is my biological clock malfunctioning? Like it’s tick tocking but it gets hung up and misses a few ticks? Am I just really that indecisive? I am usually great at making decisions! Am I just afraid of being “Mommy”? I guess that could be a big part of it. I’m always stressing on myself and tallying up my mistakes. I always feel like I could be a better employee, better friend, better daughter/sister, better Christian, better wife, better pet-owner. The other night I created an Excel spreadsheet that I thought would make things easier to keep track of for my husband and I then, after seeing how beneficial it was going to be to us, I nearly broke down in tears for not thinking of it earlier. I felt like a horrible wife. I am scared I would be a bad mom. Wow. Just admitting that almost makes me want to cry. It must be official. I must be crazy.