I was trying to think of a title for this post when suddenly, in my head, I heard, “I can’t fight this feeling any longer…” and thus…a title was born.
Now, I love REO Speedwagon as much as anyone 😉 and I know that song is about unrequited love but there are certain parts that simply fit. Lyrics like:
- I tell myself that I can’t hold out forever.
I said there is no reason for my fear.
- My life has been such a whirlwind since I saw you.
I’ve been running round in circles in my mind.
- Cause I can’t fight this feeling anymore.
I’ve forgotten what I started fighting for.
Alone, that’s depressing, no? Yes. I know. I’m sorry.
Do you remember that movie with Keanue Reeves and Charlize Theron “The Devil’s Advocate?”
Do you remember how happy they were when they lived in Florida?
Look. He is smiling and hugging her. She looks healthy and she’s laughing.
They look good, right? They look happy, right?
Then…what happens? They move. Yeah, they move to the big bad New York City. He starts working for Al Pacino (aka…The Devil) and she ends up flipping out, slowly losing her mind, and having a total breakdown.
Because it’s true. A place can kill you. Maybe not in the physical “it will come alive and murder you in your sleep” kind of kill you but a place can mentally and emotionally destroy you. Just look at poor Charlize after living in NYC for a few months…
Oh my gosh…the poor thing! A place can do that to you though. It truly can.
In “The Walking Dead” they sometimes refer to the new location, The Prison, as a “character” onto itself. It’s more than just a place it has a personality all its own. NYC was like that to Charlize Theron in The Devil’s Advocate and Florida is like that to me. Perhaps not to the same degree that Charlize faced because I don’t actually have the Devil tormenting me, my husband isn’t turning into some neglectful asshole, I’m not haunted by the images of children I’ll never have, I’m not losing my mind and I’m not sitting naked, crying, in a church. What I am though, is sad.
I feel like this town, this place, is destroying me from the inside out. I can feel the sadness weighing heavy on my heart and I can’t shake it. Seriously, I just can’t fight this feeling anymore. I feel like such a failure when I’m here in this town. I can’t focus on the person that I am now (happy, in love, married, college graduate, respected at work) because I can’t escape the shadow of the person I used to be (none of your business). Everywhere I go I have negative memories and they haunt me. I feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t sleep sometimes. I feel like I’m being haunted and it’s by my past self. It’s weird and it’s creepy and I don’t like it. I don’t like it one bit.
I have one more year. One more year and I’m moving the hell away from here.
Where? I don’t really know yet. I’m going to job hunt, get hired and then I’m going to move. I’m going to pack up my husband and our dog and our belongings and move. I’m going to find a cute little place in a brand-new town where he and I can build our own life and all new memories and be the awesome people that we are now. One year. 🙂