I’ve felt pretty strongly connected to The Clash over the last month or two (or three). It seems that we have struggled with a common dilemma. The dilemma of…should I stay or shoud I go?
The biggest difference between them is that The Clash was trying to decide “Should I stay or should I go…now” and I’m trying to decide “Should I stay or should I go…in six months when my current lease is up?” I concede, their’s has a better melody. Could you imagine trying to turn mine into a hit song? I cringe at the thought.
So what are my choices?
- Stay in Florida – Why? Well, it’s complicated. First things first, it’s the easiest and safest decision. We are already here and not having to pack our things up and move is always the easiest decision. After all, who likes packing and moving? It never fails that you lose something in the move. It doesn’t matter how safely you pack or how diligently you label every tiny little detail, something is going to get lost. It’s almost as guaranteed as losing at least one sock in the dryer every time you wash laundry. I have a stable job. My management likes me and it’s a secure position. Sure, it’s not a place I plan on making a career after all I will have to leave in about another year or so anyway to complete my student teaching requirement and my co-workers all hate me. They make my existence miserable. I promise you this, bullying does not end with high school graduation. People of all ages are cruel. Let’s move on though, shall we? Since I mentioned high school, that is another thing about Florida, we are both enrolled in school here. It’s easier to just stay put. I can’t help myself though, I just keep thinking to myself…IT’S A TRAP! The convenience…the comfort…the familiarity…it sucks you in and bleeds you dry. It sucks the life and the energy and the excitement and the joy right out of you. I feel like if we stay here because we are already here we will get pulled in deeper and deeper until we’re in so deep there is no way out. I feel like one day I’ll drown amidst the memories and the hurt and the pain and the anger and lose myself to this dreadful place. Now, is it this state…this horribly hot and expensive state or is it this dreadful waste of space town? I don’t know. I do know that my husband is less than one year from his degree. Can’t we wait just one more year? Let him finish and then we move? Isn’t that the smartest? And the safest?
- Move Away – This option sure sounds appealing but the question is…to where? Would we move back to Alabama? We do still have our residency there so we could go back to college there with in-state tuition. We wouldn’t have to change our auto tags. We are, for the most part, familiar with the state. The main problem is that my husband feels about Alabama the way that I feel about Florida so why would we go back there? I love him. I don’t want to move him back to a place he hates so that pretty much takes Alabama right off the table. What about Tennessee? Oh, how I love Tennessee! At least the parts of Tennessee I’ve been to and the things I’ve heard about Tennessee and the things I’ve read about Tennessee. I’ve never lived there though so I don’t really know for certain but I know that it sure sounds appealing.
Basically, I don’t know what to do. I know that when I close my eyes and I dream about the ideal place to live it looks like this:
There would be seasons, especially Fall. Fall is my favorite time of the year because I love pumpkins and Fall Festivals and changing-leaves and kids in jackets and scarves because it’s cold but not so cold that your toes freeze. I would be able to teach in a school where Fall meant back to school and summer vacation was really something special. Snow days would be an actual possibility and Christmas would feel magical again. I could make warm soups and chili in the winter to warm my husband’s belly and my kids could have red watermelon-stained faces in the summer. Spring would mean playing in the rain and watching the trees come back to life, Summer would mean school’s out and days would be spent playing with the water hose, having week night sleepovers, family vacations and late-nights, Fall would be all about the changing leaves and the pumpkin patches and Fall Festivals with scarecrows and roasted corn and Winter would mean winter coats and scarves and boots and hoodies and hot chocolate and spiced coffee and cuddly nights and the magic of the holidays. There would also be history and old buildings and zoos and fairs and a church that still believes in tradition instead of bragging about a congregation of 5,000 and whose Pastor thinks it’s ok to ride a Harley on the stage.
Am I just kidding myself? I don’t know. I don’t know what to think and I don’t know what to do. What did The Clash do? They had this same problem. Did they stay or did they go? If they went where did they go?
- “The Rise and Fall of The Clash” Documentary Trailer (slamxhype.com)