Hesitate


 I heard this song on my drive to work this morning. I didn’t intend to, it makes me emotional, but my iTunes was on shuffle, I was driving on the interstate and decided to let it play rather than fumble with my phone and risk an accident. To me, it’s a bittersweet song. It makes me think of me and my husband before we were together. It makes me think of the fear of giving in to our feelings and trying to be together. I was in Florida, he was in Alabama and there was this lingering shadow of doubt that seemed to get in the way sometimes. This “Can we really do this? Will we really be together? Can we really make this work?” shadow that lingered despite how much we loved each other there was this fear of ending up heartbroken that played this hesitation game with our hearts. Then…there was this one beautiful, amazing, and perfect weekend in September of 2010. I knew that weekend that everything was going to work out and we would be together forever and from the 23rd to the 26th my life was perfect. Then…I had to leave and go back to Florida for two weeks until I could move. Those were the most painful two weeks of my life. Stone Sour’s Audio Secrecy album had just been released, I played it incessantly, and this song was on it. These lines…these fearful lines, “You were my fire – So I burned – Til there was nothing left of me – I touched your face – I held you close – Til I could barely breathe – Why give me hope – Then give me up – Just to be the death of me – Save the rest of me” stayed in my head for two weeks. It’s how I felt, it encompassed the fear I was feeling.

“You were my fire – So I burned – Til there was nothing left of me – I touched your face – I held you close – Til I could barely breathe” – That was our weekend. That was how I felt. He was my everything. I just wanted to be near him, to touch him and hold him and be with him. I needed him and I needed to be close to him.

“Why give me hope – Then give me up – Just to be the death of me – Save the rest of me” – That was my fear once the weekend was over. I was afraid that I was going to have this fabulous weekend with him where my life felt perfect but something was going to interfere. I kept expecting a hiccup in my plans and dreams. I was afraid one night I was going to talk to him and he was going to change our plans and end things before they had truly been able to happen. It would have been devastating, it would have been the death of me, but it wasn’t. It wasn’t because he believed in us the same way I believed in us and two weeks after our weekend I returned to Alabama and we started the rest of our lives together. This song though, it makes me think about how devastating my life would have been if either of us had hesitated and not seen this through. My husband is the love of my life. It’s an obsessive love. It’s a strong, devoted, committed love and it’s beautiful and it’s exciting and it’s forever.

You were my fire – So I burned – Til there was nothing left of me – I touched your face – I held you close – Til I could barely breathe

Why give me hope – Then give me up – Just to be the death of me – Save the rest of me

Cuz I see you – But I can’t feel you – Anymore – So go away – I need you – But I can’t need you – Anymore – You hesitate

Now and then – You come around – Like there’s something left for me – We were one – We were everything – I’m still here – But I’ll just keep the rest of me

Cuz I see you – But I can’t feel you – Anymore – So go away – I need you – But I can’t need you – Anymore – You hesitate

We never made it – You hesitated – I don’t believe

That I see you – But I can’t feel you – Anymore – So go away – I need you – But I can’t need you – Anymore – You hesitate
Cuz I see you (See you) – But I can’t feel you (Feel you) – Anymore – So go away – I need you (Need you) – But I can’t need you (Need you) – Anymore – You hesitate  – Hesitate

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s