From :( To :)

I woke up this morning not feeling so great and wishing I could crawl back in to bed, under the blankets with my husband and our dog, and just shut out the whole miserable day ahead.  I really had no reason to feel that way at 6:30am but I did and I couldn’t because I had to come to work so I got up and…ugh…started my morning routine when suddenly I realized that company had arrived. 

It’s a sad reminder every month that my husband and I are not having a baby.  We aren’t trying to have a baby, not right now anyway, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t really, really want one because I do.  I think about having a baby every day and sometimes it makes me sad and a lot of the time it’s a battle  between my heart and my head.

My heart says…”You are going to be 30 in two more months.  Don’t you think it’s time to get started on this whole family thing?  How long are you going to wait?  You’re such a scaredy cat!  It would be ok.  You could do it.  You know you could.  You would find a way to work everything out.  The timing will never be perfect so don’t wait for that.  You guys would be great parents, you really would.  Just do it, it will be ok.  Think about it…a baby.  :-)”

My head says…”No. Not yet.  You need to wait.  You need to wait until you earn more money.  You need to wait until you are finished with school.  You need to wait until you are in a bigger place.  You need to wait…”

But for everything my head says my heart has a comeback.  My head says, “You need to wait until you earn more money” and my heart says, “Money is relative. You live within your means. You would be fine.”   My head says, “You need to finish school!” and my heart says, “You go to school online. You don’t do your work until 10pm anyway. Is it that big of a deal?”  My head says, “You need a bigger place” and my heart replies with, “You’re in a lease for 12 months.  You’re already in to the lease and you’re pregnant for 9 months.  You would figure it out.”

So all that was swirling around this morning as I stood in the bathroom getting ready for work thinking about the unexpected company that showed up a week early.  Like I said though, it’s a continual heart vs head battle and eventually the war will be settled but not today.  Regardless, those are emotions for another time.  Ultimately my 😦  turned in to a 🙂 when I checked online and I received a message from my friend Christina. 

My friend Christina has been with me since we were about 7.  She moved away last year just after she was married and announced her pregnancy.  I moved away and she was still here then she moved away and now I’ve moved back.  Now she’s gone and that makes me sad.  We kind of drifted away from each other in high school because she was more wild child and I was more good girl.  Then it all flipped and she became a good girl and I was a wild child.  Then she reconnected with her faith in God at the same time I was walking away.  We were still friends through it all but there was definitely a lack of the closeness we had prior to age 15.  About 3 years ago we started becoming closer but she kept trying to drag me back to God and I wasn’t ready.  Now, she is married with a newborn little  boy and has a strong relatinoship with God and I’m married and I’m rebuilding my relationship with God and I’m super duper mega anxious to see her again because her message said she’s coming down to FL for a whole week the first of April!!!  OMG…I’ve been happy dancing all over this place today. LOL. At least…I’ve been happy dancing when I haven’t been cramping to the point of near tears.  Ugh…I hate cramps but Yay I love getting to see one of my closest long-time friends.

Right now…I totally look like this…

Or at the very least…like this…


2 thoughts on “From :( To :)

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