My mom has some kind of strange attachment to that television show “City Confidential.” She says it is because “the narrator has such a dull, droning, monotonous voice” and I say she must be crazy because aside from Ben Stein I can not listen to anyone that has a “dull, droning, monotonous voice.” There was one episode I watched with her, it was about Huntsville, Alabama, and I only watched it because it aired about two weeks before I moved to the area and I had some kind of morbid curiosity. I don’t remember the crime. It was some kind of murder involving involving twin sisters and a husband but I don’t recall, I only remember a quote. One of twin sisters said, to the camera, “Momma often said, ‘People will never forgive you for sins they’re dying to commit themselves’…and they won’t.” and it stuck with me. It’s true.
It’s commonly said that before you die your life flashes before your eyes and last night I had a dream like that. I dreamed about my life in flashes…childhood…adolescence…young adult and now…well, I’m not quite sure what 30 is called but that’s what I’ll be in three more months. I actually dreamed about both good and bad times and I dreamed about my pure and sinful times and I dreamed about the ultimate joy and peace and love that I have now with my husband, our puppy and God. It has made me reflect all morning about my troublesome sinful times and how there are still those friends and family members that can’t (or won’t) forgive me. For a long time it bothered me, wondering why they can’t forgive me for things I did or things I said or how I lived but recently I’ve just accepted that their lack of forgiveness for me is their problem, not mine. That quote keeps running through my head today making me wonder if perhaps it’s true, perhaps people will never forgive me for sins they wish they had committed. I didn’t make any mistakes that have had disastrous effects on my adult psyche, body, or health. I’m healthy, I’m happy married to an incredibly loving and supportive husband, I have an education, I have a good job, I have great friends and all in all my life is really great.
It makes me wonder if those people who can’t (or won’t) forgive me are just upset that I lived the way I did and yet turned out great and I wonder if they wish they had lived a little faster, played a little harder, and been a little more reckless in their own youth before they built careers, settled down, got married, had children and were forced to become responsible. The way I see it…they chose to settle down, work, have a family and play later (in retirement) while I chose to play now (teens/20’s), then settle down, work, and have a family and I wonder if they regret their decision now or if I’ll regret mine later. I doubt I’ll regret mine later. I did make a lot of mistakes (A LOT of mistakes) but my life now is beautiful and happy and near-perfect.
I don’t know. I don’t even know if this whole rambly mess makes sense but I do know that I’m really happy with who I am and how my life has turned out and if there are those that can’t (or won’t) be happy about that then I don’t need them around. They apparently have some issues that need to be dealt with.