I will NOT get down with the clowns!

I hate clowns. No, I don’t “hate” clowns, it is more like I am absolutely, unbelievably, indescribably TERRIFIED of clowns. I can’t explain why, I don’t know why but here’s what happens when a clown is anywhere nearby…

  • My palms get clammy
  • My heart starts racing
  • My stomach develops a few knots
  • My chest gets tight
  • It’s hard to breathe
and on…and on…and on…

It’s awful and it sucks and do you know what makes it worse? Halloween. Halloween makes it worse because it’s inevitable that someone decides to dress up like a clown. It’s why I have avoided Halloween and Halloween parties for years. This year two of my friends had their 4th annual Halloween party and my husband and I decided to go. He dressed up like Jason Voorhees and I dressed up like a murdered Camp Crystal Lake Counselor. We looked pretty good (and bloody). It all went fine and well for about two hours until…two big guys came in dressed up like clowns. No, not clowns, they came as super creepy and super scary and super evil clowns! It was awful.

My palms got clammy and my heart started racing and my stomach developed a few knots. I couldn’t enjoy the party. I was paranoid. I kept panicking and my eyes kept darting all around the room looking for them and I couldn’t relax until I knew where they were and then I couldn’t relax because, “What if I take my eyes off of them and they move?!?!?” so my partying suddenly became all about stalking the clowns so they couldn’t stalk me. My fun time was over before it really even began. A few people told me, “Oh, have a drink and it will calm you down.” Well it doesn’t work like that! Drinking makes my clown paranoia go up. It was bad and I told my husband we had to leave. He didn’t mind, he’s the greatest like that! I told the hosts (my friends!) what was going on and that we would have to leave and then we went out on to the back porch to say goodbye to a few other friends and suddenly one of the clowns spotted me! It was terrifying!!! He looked right at me and then started coming toward me. I was in the corner of the room and there was no escape. NONE. I was trapped! Like a rat. He just kept staring at me and walking closer and closer and finally he got close and I had no choice…I pushed my hand right up in to his face, shoving his clowny mask up inside of his costume, knocking him back on his feet and I bolted! I went right back in to the living room and was ready to leave when I turned around and there he was AGAIN! The bastard followed me. At this point I had lost my husband, I was being chased by a clown, and no one was helping me. It was a nightmare. I had no choice but to fight back. I reached up, wrapped my arms around his neck, grabbed him by the ears, pulled his head down dropping him to his knee and tore his mask and the top of his costume clean off. (During the scuffle is when my husband walked in the room. He was impressed with me.)

I was still completely freaked out.  I dropped the mask and prepared to leave. I was DONE. I hate clowns. I hate Halloween. I hate Halloween parties. I hate the whole damn thing!!! I found out that my “friend” (the host) had asked the clown guy to follow me around like that and scare me. Let me tell you, it’s NOT funny! It’s equivalent to locking someone who suffers from claustrophobia in to a small closet and then laughing at them while they panic and beg to be let out. It’s NOT amusing and it’s NOT ok to prey on someone’s fears like that. Anyway…we were prepared to leave when the clown guy (without his mask) asked to take his picture with me. I refused until he offered to allow the photo to be taken like this…

Anyway, now it’s official. No more Halloween parties for me! I’ll stay home next year and just watch scary movies with my husband (and NO, we will not be watching IT.) I hope everyone else has enjoyed their Halloween festivities. 😀

2 thoughts on “I will NOT get down with the clowns!

  1. Nice post! Boy, I totatlly sympathize.

    •My palms get clammy
    •My heart starts racing
    •My stomach develops a few knots
    •My chest gets tight
    •It’s hard to breathe

    I’m like that, too. Not with clowns, but with girls. And when they start to clown around, it gets even worse. I start to react like you do, though of course they have no masks to pull off, just mascara.

    • Lol. You try to tackle the girls and tear their faces off? Oh, I bet you mean you get nervous and anxiety-ridden and panicked and don’t know what to do. Yeah, us girls can be kind of scary at times but unlike clowns we are usually pretty nice underneath the make-up. 😀 I raise a toast to one day both of us conquering our fears!

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