Please tell me I am not the only person that logs in to WordPress, looks at their dashboard and then goes crazy. I do it every single morning. “Dashboard-Induced Psychosis” is the technical term for the condition, at least it is MY technical term for the condition and since it is MY condition, I’m entitled to call it whatever I want, right?
“What is Dashboard-Induced Psychosis and what causes it?” you ask?
Well, I’m happy to explain…
Here is how it all went down this morning (keep in mind it is currently 8:09am and I only checked my Dashboard 4 minutes ago. This is how quickly this condition sets in.)
I turned my computer on and logged in to my programs and systems and thought to myself, “I should check my blog statistics from yesterday.” Did you notice how I said “I SHOULD” check my blog? As though it is something that needs to be done, as if the world might fall apart if I don’t, as if the whole day is going to go in a downward spiral if I don’t check my statistics? I lump it in to the same “I SHOULD” category as “I should get out of bed. I should go to work. I should remember to eat breakfast. I should pack a lunch. I should check my blog.” Whatever, it works for me. So I checked my statistics.
The first thing I see is that I had 86 visitors to my blog yesterday. 86?!?!?! I was excited…that’s record high for me! Whoo-hoo! Go me! Wait, is that good? Or is 86 kind of sad? Is it pathetic that my record high is 86? Should I have more readers? What did I post about yesterday that people found sooooo enticing that they had to read? I rambled about Polvore. Is Polyvore that great? Or do people find my pathetic excuses for fashion sets hilarious? Or was it my title? Did people read “Digital Toy Box” and think it was something else? Did they think it was something dirty? Did I mislead people by writing a title like that and then not delivering with something risque? If my readers felt misled did they even read my blog or did they click…see that it was a bunch of rambling crap…and then leave?
Do you see how this goes? I had to figure this out, the mystery continues…
***ENTER DETECTIVE MODE***
Do I have new subscribers? If I have new subscribers that would tell me if anyone read my blog, liked my blog and just had to have more of my nonsense. Oh…please, please, please let me have subscribers! I clicked my mouse furiously and then…*drumroll please* TA-DA!!! Nothing. No new subscribers. That sucks. 😦 Why the hell not? What is wrong with my blog that makes people (86 people in fact) read my blog and then not subscribe? Do they hate me? They must hate me.
Then I tell myself, “Calm down Ash. It’s not the end of the world. Maybe they like you but they just didn’t subscribe. Maybe those 86 people just aren’t the subscribing type. Maybe they fear commitment, they probably don’t receive e-mail newsletters or magazines in the mail either.” Great, nothing like insulting my readers. If any of them do come back now they will probably be so offended at me considering the possibility that they are commitment-phobes that they will never come back.
So, accepting that I’ve now probably insulted and driven away the people that did read my blog I start to wonder, “What brought them to my blog in the first place?” Under the “Top Searches” it says “studying.” Ok, so someone Googled “studying” and found my blog. That makes sense. I do write about college and homework and studying from time to time. Studying probably isn’t very exciting and those people probably don’t care about my blog, they were probably looking for study tips or how to get A’s without studying (it’s impossible by the way, stop Googling for the impossible and spend that time studying). What else are people searching?
There is a search for “Busy.” Yeah, well, aren’t we all? What are you looking for by Googling “Busy”? There is a search for “Panic Picture.” Oh. Well aren’t I now feeling a little red in the face? I suppose “Busy” and “Panic Picture” might both be looking for photos. That’s what I did when I needed photos. Ok, sorry to be so judgemental “Busy.” Please come back, read again, enjoy. 🙂
Then…then there was a search. One search that seems to have been searched by a person after my own heart, that search was for “i want a dressmakers dummy in my dining room.” OMG…I want one in my dining room too!!! Now I kick in to overdrive…I want a dressmakers dummy in my dining room! This Googler wants a dressmakers dummy in their dining room! We must be kindred spirits! I want a dressmakers dummy to hang my aprons on and look super cute in my dining room. Why do they want a dressmakers dummy in their dining room? Are they going to show off aprons too? Or do they sew? Wait…are they going to use their dining room dressmakers dummy to mold and shape actual clothes? Are they talented and able to make stuff? Maybe they aren’t my kindred spirit, maybe they are some super artsy and fashion-y and talented seamstress who wants a dressmakers dummy in their dining room so they can show off their gorgeous creations and then find a blog like mine and laugh at me not only because I can’t sew but also because I’m going to use my dressmakers dummy to show off other peoples creations. Damn. Who is this person who dares to laugh at me for not being able to sew clothes?!?!?! Why didn’t they subscribe or at least comment so I can check out their blog and find out what the hell they want a dressmakers dummy in their dining room for! I want to know! I need to uncover their motivations! Damn. Damn. Damn.
***ENTER DASHBOARD-INDUCED PSYCHOSIS***